Dealing with negative comments about appearance
Have you got a family member or friend who thinks it okay to say whatever they want about your appearance?
In this post, you’ll learn five different ways to respond to unwanted comments.
Listen or read below:
There will always be people who feel they have a right to make negative comments about appearance, whether that’s a supposedly ‘well-meaning’ friend or family member, or a rude passerby.
If your body image is fragile, unwanted comments can be hurtful and damaging. But, while you can’t control someone else’s behaviour, you can control how you respond to it.
Here’s five ways to deal with those unwanted comments:
What do the comments say about THEM?
When others judge you in an unkind way, it says more about them than you.
Perhaps they have their own body image insecurities and their comments are a reflection of those?
Or maybe they are jealous of you and their unpleasant words are a put down to make them feel better?
Consider what might be going on with the other person to explain their behaviour.
Their opinion doesn’t have to be your reality
Just because someone has said something derogatory or insensitive about your appearance, it doesn’t make it true.
Their words have no power to hurt you unless you decide to believe them.
Ask yourself if you really care for that person’s opinion anyway? Then make a conscious decision to let the comment go.
If someone doesn’t like your appearance, it’s their problem
Bodies are not public property to be scrutinised, objectified and judged.
If someone doesn’t care for your appearance, that is their issue – they don’t have to look! They certainly don’t have the right to pass comment on something that is absolutely none of their business.
If someone says anything offensive about your appearance in public, simply tell them that it’s their problem not yours.
Change the dialogue
If you find that conversations with family or friends can easily turn to talking about your appearance, try changing the dialogue, “There are much more interesting things to talk about than my body! What have you been up to lately?”
If changing the direction of the conversation doesn’t work, you may need to try being more assertive….
Be assertive
If you find yourself constantly on the receiving end of negative comments about appearance from family or friends, the best approach is to take an assertive approach.
First, calmly and confidently tell the person that you find their comments hurtful
Be factual but not accusatory,“Recently you’ve often mentioned that you think I ought to lose weight. I want to talk to you about your comments and how I feel about them.”
Then, express how you feel about the behaviour
Use ‘I’ statements such as “When you make jokes about me being fat, I feel hurt”. Avoid saying how their behaviour ‘makes’ you feel – this casts blame and will put them on the defensive.
Finally, ask for the change that you’d like to see in their behaviour
“I’m asking that you stop calling me jelly belly.”
If the behaviour does not change, ensure there are consequences. For example, you might stop seeing that person until they stop the unwanted comments.
Your body is your business and nobody else’s. It isn’t public property, and it’s not okay for it to be the subject of scrutiny and judgement.
Take a stand against people who think they have a right to make unpleasant and hurtful comments about your looks. It’s their problem if they don’t like what they see– they don’t have to look!
If you’re struggling with family or friends who think it’s okay to comment on your body, this is something that we cover on my coaching programme, The Body Confidence Journey.
To learn more about the programme and if it’s a good fit for you, simply answer a few questions to help me understand what you’re looking to achieve, and I’ll get straight back to you!
My niece is a gorgeous 19 year old young lady. She’s very voluptuous and gets a lot of male attention and rightfully so. I have always been pretty close to her and have always been the cool aunt that buys her stuff and even got her her first high paying job (by pulling some strings). Yesterday I saw her at my Dad’s Father’s Day party and she jokingly made a comment I can’t soon forget. She told me “move your little flat butt away!” I’ve been trying to forget about it but my husband was also there when she made the comment and he brought it up to me today in conversation. I pretty much lost my cool and took it out on him saying he should have stood up for me. Its not his fault but I’m so embarrassed by her comment and feel really sour about it all. How can I put this behind me?
Claudia, I’m sorry to hear that the comment from your niece has affected you negatively. What’s the main emotion that is coming up for you? As I mention in this post, when someone says something negative about you, it’s important to consider what might be going on for them. Comments by others usually say more about the way that person is feeling about them self than you. Even though you describe your niece as a ‘gorgeous’ young lady, she may not see herself in that way. Saying something negative about your body may have been motivated by insecurities she has about her own. Your reaction to her comment also reveals the way you feel about your own body. What insecurities are you aware of when it comes to your body? Did you niece’s comment trigger those insecurities? At 19, your niece is still young and her comment perhaps reflects her immaturity. As her aunt, you are her role model. The best thing you can do is role model healthy body image behaviours. Show her that you are not defined by the comments of others and that you are comfortable in your skin. If you are on the receiving end of similar comments from her again, you might gently say to her, “I find it interesting that you felt it necessary to make that comment, and I wonder what’s going on for you right now that would make you say such a thing?” This may help to open up a dialogue about what’s really going on for her. Or, you may choose to pull her up on her comment and tell her assertively the impact that her comments have, saying something like, “When you make comments like that, I feel hurt/ashamed/embarrassed.” Being open about your feelings will help her understand the impact of her behaviour in future. Know that just because other people make negative/hurtful comments about your body, it doesn’t make them true. You are not what other people say or think about you. You are far more than a butt, or an object to be looked at and commented upon. I hope that helps, big hugs, Judi 🙂
It’s possible that she meant it as a compliment. She may feel that she is too curvy and likes the smallness of your butt. I prefer smaller butts myself. I find it hard to believe she would mean it nastily.
My wife constantly tells me that the grey in my beard (I’m 49) makes her find me unattractive and that I should be clean shaven or dye it. I was clean shaven when we first met 20 years ago, she didn’t like it and encouraged the “scruffy” look. I prefer how I look now and have long curly hair that doesn’t suit being clean shave. Any thoughts?
Thanks for commenting Phil! I think the most important thing is what you prefer and like. It’s your body, so you get to decide what to do with it. Whether you have a beard or not, you’re still the same person that your wife met 20 years ago. I wonder what might be going on for your wife that would make her say that she finds you unattractive? Is she prone to being critical? Perhaps she’s feeling insecure about ageing herself? You know her best Phil, and I can only encourage you to sit down and have an honest conversation with her about these comments – how they make you feel and also what other emotions or concerns she might be facing herself. Good luck!
My family always comment on my look , though they are talking about anything else but I don’t know from where my look come in between. Even my so called friends used to comment on my look ,it may seem fun for them but it is very inconvenient for me I try to ignore but now it’s becoming very hard for me and my confidence goes on decreasing.
It can be hard to ignore the comments sometimes Priya. But the more that you ignore them, they’ll eventually get bored of saying anything and give up. Don’t be afraid to say to them that you don’t appreciate their comments and also explain how they make you feel.
Hello
I have a face that shows stress very easily. I got married recently and had a thin face but it matched my figure and was clear and as a whole I looked good. But when I got married my in-laws started commenting on how thin my face is so I started feeling bad and got more and more stressed and it started showing up on my face more. Now my husband also says I have a flat face and my self confidence is getting lower and lower. Before I married I knew when I got ready that I looked good. Now when I see myself I start crying which is making it worse. Even if I cry for a day it shows on my face badly, but how do I develop that self confidence back when I don’t look good.
Hi Divya
I‘m not sure what to say that will help you, but I want you to know there are people out there including me, who support you and know that you are a valuable person, with a heart mind and soul. You’re in my thoughts and I’m sending you a big hug. We women need to support each other. You’re beautiful and nothing you do can prevent the right people from finding you and lifting you up. And no amount of worry or effort will keep the wrong people around. Keep your faith, it will get better. Surround yourself with friends, let them keep you smiling.
Hi Judi, lovely article. I cam across this while looking for some uplifting comments for my daughter. She is 16 year old bright, confident a born leader girl who has just came out of her GCSE’s and had her prom last week. During her exams she was less active so might have been up on the scales. Her Aunty who is my husband’s sister said to her today she has big arms and chunky legs and she needs to loose weight. Her Aunty has always been very critical of my kids and always had something to say but this was by far more hurtful than before. My daughter came home crying and said for the first time she does not like herself. This has killed me.
There is surely more to us than our bodies but why some people think its the most important and ok to say stuff like that.
Your comments and how to respond seem very right to say but what would you suggest how a 16 year old should say when dealing with older members of family.
Thanks
Hi Anisha, thanks for commenting. First of all, I’m sorry to hear that your daughter has had to put up with these comments from her Aunty. Sadly, this reflects on your sister-in-law’s own insecurities! If you haven’t already done so, it might make sense for you or your husband to have a word with her Aunt so she knows these comments are unacceptable. As for your daughter, it might be worth you working on a response with her that she can use if she is subjected to these kinds of comments again – something that she will be comfortable saying. Here are some ideas which you can tweak to suit what feels best for your daughter:
“Thanks for your comments Aunty – I’m sure you have my best interests at heart, but I’m happy in my body the way it is [so you don’t need to say anything about how I look].”
“I’m sure you mean well, Aunty, but saying that hurts my feelings. I’ve always felt confident in myself, but your comments make me feel less confident.”
“I see myself as more than a body Aunty, so I don’t overly focus on my weight or appearance. I’m just not worried about it.”
Hope those spark some ideas – I think your daughter will get a lot of benefit and gain in confidence from working with you on something she can say to her Aunt.
Best of luck, Judi xoxo
My MIl always taunts me that i am too slim and I have no energy in my body she sometimes comments on my way of dressing and way of talking but at the same time she copies my style or my way of living. Suggest me what can I do
Hello Riya
I’m sorry this is happening for you at the moment. From what you said, this person is a relative?
I did another post specifically about addressing comments about your appearance from family members which you may find useful: https://heartyourbody.co.uk/negative-comments-about-body/
I would suggest that this person is jealous of you if she copies you. Unfortunately, when people feel jealous and bad about themselves, they often put others down.
If you can, I think it would be a good idea to talk about the impact of her behaviour on you and to find out what is going on for her that she’s say unkind things to you.
Wishing you all the best,
Judi
xoxo
Hi I have a sister who lives abroad and she adores me but has a habit of commenting on my looks. First thing she does when we video chat she has to say something about my looks. Face looks rounder, dark circles, roots are showing. Sometimes it really drags out. She gives tips and suggestions, recipes to fix it.
I don’t want compliments or criticism. Just want to hear that its nice to see you.
Now my neice is picking up the same habit. She is 11. They make elaborated comments about whatever they can see of me. I feel its just a habit but they don’t do it to anyone else. Others in my family have noticed it too. But since she lives far away. It doesn’t seem possible to casually mention it in conversation to cut it out.
What can I do to stop this? Its really bothering me.
I’m sorry to hear that you are on the receiving end of these kind of comments. Sadly, as you can see from all the other comments on this post,you’re not alone. I can only reiterate what I’ve said in response to other comments that regardless of who in your family is making these kind of comments, it ISN’T acceptable. I can’t see any other way around it but to have an honest conversation with your sister about how her comments make you feel. If she has your best interests at heart, she won’t want you to feel hurt or upset, so she needs to know. You might also find this more recent blog post helpful: https://heartyourbody.co.uk/negative-comments-about-body/ Because I was getting so many people asking me about negative comments from family and friends, I thought another post was needed! I wish you luck with sorting this out with your sister xx
Hello,
Thank you so much for such a kind and reassuring article. I was subjected to a bunch of young boys commenting on my looks on the street today negatively. It hurt. I’m pretty but not secure in my skin, possibly because I’ve been on the receiving end of bullies and nasty comments my entire life. Your article hit the nail on the head. Such comments are more about THEIR insecurities than my own. My response however, is my own and that needs to be looked at. All that matters is what you feel about yourself, not what others have to say about you or your body, but integrating that knowledge is certainly challenging xx
Hi Jenny
Thank you for taking the time to comment and tell me your experience. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had to put up with unsolicited and unwanted comments, but I’m glad that you found this post useful 🙂 You’re so right that the way you feel about yourself is the most important thing.
Because I’ve had such a big response to this post, I also did another one on the same subject that you might find useful: https://heartyourbody.co.uk/negative-comments-about-body/
Wishing you all the very best, Judi xx
I recently took my elderly mother to visit her 10 years older eldery sister(82). When I approached my Aunt she was pleasant and said hello but referred to my appearance as ‘your wee fat face’ it stung me so hard, I felt so ashamed of how I looked. I cried a lot when I got home. I was especially stunned as my aunt and her two daughters have been obese all of their lives. 8 am not but have put on some weight in the past two years. I told my sister tearfully as I was so upset at what happened and she said “you would take that the wrong way” which just made me feel worse!
Hi Martha
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been on the receiving end of hurtful comments about your appearance. You’ll see from the other comments on this blog that you are certainly not alone, although I know it doesn’t make it okay. As I say in the post, comments by others always reveal more about that person than they do you. Your Aunt is an elderly lady now and will very much be set in her views, so she is unlikely to change. Try to take her comments with a pinch of salt. Remember that you don’t have to accept comments made about your appearance and you don’t need to be defined by them.
You might also want to check out this other article I wrote on the same topic: https://heartyourbody.co.uk/negative-comments-about-body/
Always remember that you are more than a body – embrace what makes you a wonderful human being.
Wishing you all the best, Judi xx
Hi Judi
Thank you for the reassuring article. My confidence was slowly building up until this encounter that took place a few months ago. I was at the airport and this guy came up to me and started chatting me up. He was rather nice so I didn’t think too much of it. Later he asked for my Instagram, and when I gave it to him he commented saying you look so different in your pictures. He then went on to say that I look hot in my pictures and do not really look like that in real life. I was upset, I had just gotten off a long flight and this incident really destroyed whatever little self confidence I had. Since then, I have stopped posting photos on my Instagram.
Hi Sharan
Thanks for sharing your experience here. I’m sorry that you went through this. As I always say, another person’s behaviour says MORE about them than it does you. Remember, it’s not your life purpose to be ‘hot’ for the enjoyment of men. Try to laugh it off as a lucky escape from a not very nice person. Know that you have worth beyond your appearance. In all likelihood, he makes a habit of this sort of thing and you probably aren’t the only person he has behaved in this way to. Don’t let his behaviour stop you doing things you want to do, so go ahead and post on Instagram if it’s something you enjoy doing. Take care, Judi xoxo
Hello Judi
First time reading about you and today I find myself troubled and insecure I sometimes think about going out, I think about it a lot before getting out of the car to buy groceries or pump gas, I used to be very bony my body didn’t had a shape at all, I got pick on by it a lot in school and now even at work, I pass by the girls on the locker rooms real quick before getting a comment on how skinny I am, some mean it by compliment but another’s are much about the same. I’m working out and for the first time in my life I’m getting a nice fit body and my hips are getting bigger but my sisters boyfriend has said mean things about me, I don’t care about him he’s just as skinny and little as I am. This morning my sister said “this won’t fit you anymore since you’re getting thicker”. But he blurted out loud in front of everyone “Thicker, where?!”. And continued to laugh. I had to get out and cry somewhere else. Why is that I’m sure I’m gaining weight feeling good about myself and healthier and still someone manages to bring me down with nasty comments?
Hello Grace
Thank you for sharing so openly what has been going on for you. It saddens me each time someone leaves a comment on this blog post telling me about a relative or supposed friend who has been making unkind comments about their appearance. Please know that you have value regardless of what you look like. When you learn to value yourself beyond appearance, others can’t wound you with their comments. You might find this article on building up your sense of self-worth useful: https://heartyourbody.co.uk/im-not-good-enough-what-to-do/
Please don’t be afraid to use some of the tips in this article to tell your sister’s boyfriend and others that their comments are unwanted and not appreciated. Unfortunately, we can’t control what other people think or say about us, but we can choose to walk away from them or not hang around them when they continue to behave towards us in unkind ways.
Don’t let this behaviour from others impact the way you feel about yourself. As I’ve said many times before, their behaviour tells you far more about them than it does you. Take care, Judi xoxo
I look different from all of my sisters & brother. I don’t have a pointed nose like them. I don’t look as beautiful as them. Because of this nearly everyone comments about my looks everywhere I go. It could be at a family gathering, shopping or at wedding saying bad things about me. As I grew up, it wasn’t much of a big deal but it it is now making me less confident & even hate my self.
Dear Sofia
Your differences are what make you unique. We don’t want to all look the same. Embrace your differences. There isn’t one definition of beauty – it comes in many forms and isn’t just about aesthetics. As I have said in response to all of the other comments here, nobody has the right to comment on how you look or pass judgment. Try not to take their comments to heart – they reveal more about them and their own prejudices, fears and insecurities than they do about you. Work on building up your sense of worth beyond your appearance. Who are you? What do you enjoy? You are so much more than somebody to be looked at. You are worthy and valuable regardless of how you look. Just because you look different from your siblings, it doesn’t make you any less worthy. Take care xoxo
I have been wondering what is a normal amount of commenting on someone’s appearance? Is the a socially acceptable amount? I have a little sister that is frequently telling me that my hair is ugly, and an older sister that is telling me I need to wax this or that or wax more often. They both are frequently telling me my makeup is wrong For me. Which is strange because random people tell me that my make up is perfect. When I tell them to knock it off, they tell me to stop being so sensitive. It is truly difficult being around them because they make me fell like the ugly step sister. Is this normal? Am I being to sensitive?
Hi Sadie
Thank you for your question and sharing your own experience of receiving hurtful comments about your appearance.
I firmly believe that there is no such thing as a normal or socially acceptable amount of commenting on another person’s appearance. Someone else doesn’t have the right to comment on your appearance whenever they feel like it. And, just because someone is a family member, it doesn’t mean they are entitled to make comments either.
I’m really sorry to hear that your sisters treat you in this way. Good for you telling them to stop. And no, you are not being overly sensitive. Your reaction to their comments is normal.
I’d be inclined to build in some consequences for not stopping these comments. For example, that you won’t spend time with them if they continue to make these kinds of comments.
I hope that helps,
Judi
xoxo
Hi Judi,
This was such a great post!
I have an aunt that keeps commenting on how I have gained weight and that i should ‘watch my body weight’. She calls me ‘fatty’ (roughly translated from Cantonese) and has even went to my mom and said she thinks I should slim down and go to a gym. I already do a fair amount of exercise and am even working out now everyday. In the past I’ve had body image issues even though I’m at an average body size range for my age. I’m only beginning to truly love myself but her comments are making these insecurities resurface. I told my mom how I feel about this and she keeps telling me i’m being too sensitive and there’s no need to be ‘this serious’. Every time she comments on my body I get angry but I choose to ignore it over fear of causing a scene. How do I pluck up the courage to tell her how her comments make me feel?
Hi Natalie
Thanks for sharing your situation. Sadly, it’s all too familiar, as you can see from all the other comments on this post.
I want you to first of all acknowledge and celebrate the progress that you’ve made in working towards loving and accepting yourself, this is huge! Well done.
Unfortunately, just because we accept ourselves, not everyone else around us will. Working on your body image means being able to still love and approve of yourself even when others don’t.
That being said, it certainly isn’t acceptable for your Aunt to behave the way she does towards you, even if she is a close family member!
I did another post on this subject, specifically aimed at people who were getting these comments from family members, which you may find useful: https://heartyourbody.co.uk/negative-comments-about-body/
You certainly aren’t being too sensitive at all (just wanted to reassure you of that!).
I think it’s definitely worth attempting to have a conversation with your Aunt about this. Even if she doesn’t understand your feelings, at least you will feel good having stood up for yourself and your needs.
What kinds of things do you normally do to feel good or to build up your courage when you need to? As a suggestion, you might visualise having the conversation with your Aunt and her being receptive and understanding. That will certainly get your brain into the right gear to approach her.
You are completely within your right to explain how you feel when she makes negative comments about your appearance. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she has no idea how hurtful the comments are to you.
I wish you luck in talking to your Aunt about this, you’ve got this!
With love,
Judi
xoxo
My relatives and My friends often mock at My appearance.Recently ,a close friend of mine came up to me saying “you are the only ugly person in your entire family.” I am a little fat too, but I have a height of 6 feet. Most people wonder at my appearance and make fun of me because they dont accept a girl breaking through the stereotypic appearance of’ a gorgeous lady’. This has affected me so much that I am getting distracted from my studies, unlike earlier.Do I really need a makeover? Please suggest something to boost my confidence.
Dear Arushi
As you will see from all the other comments on this blog, you are not alone in being a victim of unkind comments about your appearance.
It really upsets me when I hear the things that people say to my blog readers 🙁
As I’ve said before, these comments are simply not acceptable, even if they are from family members! I would also question how good your friends are if they are criticising your appearance.
I did another post specifically about addressing comments about your appearance from family members which you may find useful: https://heartyourbody.co.uk/negative-comments-about-body/
You DO NOT need a make-over! Embrace who you are and focus on the things that are important to you, like your studies. Your life’s purpose is not to be attractive to other people.
What are you studying and how do you hope to use your studies? THAT is what is important, not how you look.
Right now, make a list of all of the things you are proud of yourself for and all your amazing qualities. Acknowledge to yourself that you are a unique and valuable person who does not exist to be an ornament to be looked at.
Wishing you all the best in your studies and future!
Judi
xoxo
For all my life, family, acquaintances, and strangers have felt the need to tell me that I’m a plain-looking girl/woman. My looks didn’t matter to me at first, but after so many years of being told how much they matter to everybody else, they now seem like a huge barrier in my life. I’m scared that I won’t be able to live fully and well because I don’t measure up in this way. People do not like the way my face looks. I often find myself ignored in favor of “better-looking” friends, in the dating scene and even in my career, I feel like people don’t care about what I think or have to say.
I know I’m smart and I work incredibly hard at whatever I do, I like investigating the mysteries and meanings of life, but I’m scared that at the end of the day, this just doesn’t matter, and that others will always see me as inferior because of my outside wrapping.
Thanks for writing this article, I feel like this topic affects many people, but it’s not often discussed.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I’m glad that you found this post interesting/useful.
You have so much more to offer to the world than how you look. Other people will try to make you feel inferior because they’re battling with their own demons and insecurities. But ultimately, nobody can MAKE you feel inferior unless you allow them to. The most important opinion is your own. If you believe that your appearance is a barrier, then it will be, because your beliefs about yourself will impact on your behaviour.
Build up your self-worth by focusing on what makes you, YOU. It sounds to me that there is plenty to admire about you. You are not inferior. You have as much worth as anyone else.
When you believe in yourself, your values and what you stand for, that will shine through. Others will be drawn to you because of your strong sense of self belief. Think about all the people who have made a difference in the world who wouldn’t be considered “good looking”.
I wrote another post on this subject, which you might also find useful: https://heartyourbody.co.uk/negative-comments-about-body/
Go be your wonderful self,
Judi
xoxo
I have always been ugly to look at and I guess this is why I have never had a full blown relationship or friendship and my life seems to have been a failure could someone please help me to cope with this thank you
Hi Robert
I’m sorry that you feel like your life is a failure (and just because you think this, it DOESN’T make it true). What is considered ugly/beautiful is very subjective – it’s such an individual thing. If you consider yourself to be ugly, and believe that you are unacceptable to others, this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
People are not just how they look. They are many, many other things. If you’re overly focused on the way you look to define your worth and you don’t think that you measure up to societal ideals, you’ll struggle with feelings of poor self-worth.
Now is the time to start building your worth from the inside out. Your opinion of yourself is the one that matters THE most to how you experience your life.
You might find these posts useful in helping you with this:
https://heartyourbody.co.uk/body-liberation-separate-worth-from-your-body/
https://heartyourbody.co.uk/im-not-good-enough-what-to-do/
https://heartyourbody.co.uk/be-more-body-neutral/
I wish you all the very best. You ARE enough as you are.
Judi
xoxo
People who feel the need to be critical and judgmental of others says a lot about them…most of them are inadequate in either looks, accomplishments, intelligence, emotional intelligence, lack empathy, are narcissistic and emotionally immature and are projecting their unhappiness on someone else…most of them self-centered, egoistic, and would never consider going out of their way to help someone else, but when they want attention, they’re like infants. I had to dump two friends recently because I couldn’t stand listening to their negative comments about other people in their lives and when one of them asked me why people treat her with disrespect, I told her it’s her snarky personality and hung up…she had just pushed my buttons too many times and I thought I don’t need this in my life…hang up and let her figure it out. Maybe I’m a bitch to do that, BUT, I am not going to waste my time listening to negative comments when all that energy could be directed toward volunteering to help someone or animals in need, getting out of oneself instead of focusing on “Poor Me, Boohoo!”
Rant over, ’nuff said…have a great day…my not so favorite saying so many people love to say…lol…
Seriously, people need to grow up and realize life is not about outdoing one another, bragging, cracking mean jokes at someone’s expense, it should be about working together to make the world a better and more civil place where everyone succeeds…think about it..will it kill ya to get out of your damn EGO..everybody’s got one get over yourself and think how your comments and actions affect others and pushes them away.
Thanks for sharing your views, Trish! I agree 🙂
My family have always made comments about how I look ( apart from my mum who is deceased).
For years I was skinny and as I have got older I have filled out.
I am now in my 50’s and going through the menopause, I also have a hiatus hernia that causes bloating.
I am a size 14 /16 and happy about my size apart from a flabby belly. I actually thought I had lost weight and felt good to fit in my old clothes to be told by my dad yesterday that I’ve put on a lot of weight!!!
I don’t think I look or feel fat. I am overweight going by the charts.
But do other people see me differently.?
Years ago I was told by a close family friend I had put on weight, which upset me as all her life she has been obese and therefore in my mind had no right to make this comment. After my mum died she also said someone from school had seen my photo and said what happened to me!
I never spoke to her again as I felt this was extremely hurtful passing that comment on when I was grieving for my mum.
I don’t make negative comments to people so why do I always receive them?
Hello Ellen
Thanks for sharing your experience with comments about your appearance.
If you look at all the comments on this post, you’ll see you aren’t alone, BUT that doesn’t make it right or okay that others are making the comments.
There could be any number of reasons why someone might comment on your appearance, but it usually doesn’t have anything to do with you – it’s all about THEM and their own beliefs, experience and insecurities etc. I went into a bit more detail about why others make these kinds of comments in this post: https://heartyourbody.co.uk/negative-comments-about-body/
If you feel comfortable in your skin, that’s really all that matters.
Much love,
Judi
xoxo
You mentioned that we can talk to our relatives and friends about not liking their derogatory remarks but maybe they want us to feel bad that’s why they make such comments. And if we talk to them about feeling bad when they say such things,they would rejoice over it and may try to bully more. So, I avoid doing that but they still take so much interest in that.
Hello Maryam
I’m sorry to hear about your experience. Yes, sometimes people will make comments because they want us to feel bad. It’s sad when these comments come from family members. We can’t choose our family, but it still doesn’t mean they can hurt us deliberately. I think if it is too much, you can choose to distance yourself from them where possible.
As for friends, I don’t think a genuine friend will constantly make cruel comments. I’d genuinely reconsider if you want these kinds of friends in your life.
Wishing you all the best,
Judi
Hi Judi,
I have been hearing negative comments about my appearance from childhood until now. I’m a 24 year old woman, but I have zero confidence when it comes to talking face to face. I’m so fed up of these comments ..once in my childhood I was not even included for playing with my cousins because I was too dark and that cousin of mine even said it to my face. I was so heartbroken. I have a very big family on both my mother and father’s side, but I don’t remember a single person adoring me in my childhood. I was so jealous of my cousins at that age because they were born fair and pretty. I was called a crow. Now that I’m an independent woman who earns well enough ,everyone wants to talk to me but again they bring up the negative comments like “look at your face”, “what are all those marks?”, “why do you have so much facial hair?”, “who will marry you?”. Even after being successful in my life these comments still haunt me and I get very depressed about it. I feel like why was I even born? Now that I’m working from home every single person in my house comments some or other negative thing about my appearance and I’m so fed up of it.
My Mom constantly body shames me and always has some insulting comments about my body and the clothes I wear. I’m in my early 20s and whenever I choose an outfit she says “Do you think you are so young? Why do you dress like you are an young girl?” and constantly comments about my dark knees, pigmentation in my face and hair and in my legs and arms, comparing it with hers. I feel like she is dumping her insecurities on me. If it is a stranger I wouldn’t care about their opinion but hearing that from my mother really hurts me. This has been going on for since I remember and the frustration is building up. Sometimes I even feel ugly because it’s my mother who’s saying all this and if someone else give me a compliment I find it hard to believe. I grew up listening to and believing this from a very young age.
Hello Sana
I’m sorry to hear about these unkind comments from your Mother. You’re right to think that they reflect HER insecurities, and aren’t about you.
Have you talked to her about how her comments make you feel?
Learn to seek your own approval rather than your mother’s by asking what you want to wear and what makes you feel good. Build up your sense of worth beyond your appearance by listing all the things that you are proud of yourself for, big and small.
Judi
xoxo
My friend told me that I have slightly bent nose. From that time I have been very insecure about my appearance and I feel shy to talk to people. When I look at myself in the mirror I ask my mother daily about my nose even though she says my nose is perfect. I’ve lost confidence about it and I keep on thinking about my nose and I am unable to concentrate on my studies.
Hello Mam
I’m sorry that this comment from your friend has left you feeling so down. Your friend probably doesn’t even realise how much hurt this comment has caused.
Remember that your nose is only one small part of you, it doesn’t define you! You have value regardless of what you look like.
Focus on the things that you’re proud of yourself for outside of your appearance, perhaps that is your studies? Focus on these, because they are far more important than what you look like!
Judi
xoxo
Hi,
Last year one of my closest friends said on a conference call with my boyfriend, “I showed a picture of you two together to my mother and she said Alaia did not look very good before, but now that I notice her with her new boyfriend she looks better than before.” and “I thought out of all the girls at the wedding, he would end up with someone else, it’s surprising to me that he choose to end up with you.”. To back up a little, I met my boyfriend at the same friend’s wedding and they all thought that my current boyfriend who I did not know then was too good looking and that he would end up with one of her other friends.
A month after we started dating, we told her about it and she made the comments mentioned above. It bothers me to this day. One because such a comment was made in the first place and another because she mentioned it twice in front of my boyfriend and he did not say anything. I defended myself by telling her, yeah, I don’t really care about what you say (but it did). I had multiple fights with my boyfriend about how he didn’t think of even saying anything when a comment like that was made about me. He often defends himself by saying he did not pay attention to what she was saying at the time (he claims that he did not pay attention to it twice). It took a toll of my confidence level and even now when I fail to move past it.
Could you just help me here and tell me if there are ways for me to forget it and not be bothered about it?
Thanks in advance!
Hi Alaia
I’m sorry that you had to put up with these kinds of comments from a ‘friend’. I honestly don’t understand why people think they have the right to say these kinds of things!
I think this says a lot about your friend rather than you. Perhaps she is jealous of you or has her own issues about her looks.
In answer to your question, I’d start by asking how much you really value her friendship? Good friends don’t say these kinds of things to each other. Perhaps it’s time to distance yourself from her?
I suspect your boyfriend didn’t want to get caught in the middle of this situation with your friend, but I can also see how he could have ‘stepped in’ and stood up to your friend.
People who are constantly commenting on other peoples’ lives generally don’t have much going on in their own, so will gossip. I know it’s hard not to let it bother you, but focus on the things that you can control (yourself) rather than other people and how they behave.
Focus on the relationship with your boyfriend rather than worrying about what other people say. If the two of you are happy together, it’s nobody else’s business!
Take care,
Judi
xoxo
It is a really nice and informative post to know about it clearly. Thank you so much for sharing it.
You’re welcome 🙂
Hi, I’m Kim.. i really wondered and confused if strangers are really saying “how ugly” when they stared at me or when they saw my face. I am really confused if i just heard it mistakenly or they actually said that phrase when they saw me. I researched keenly to help me somehow and there is a thing called auditory hallucination which we can hear voices that is not real and also my friends adviced me that there are words that sound alike and maybe i just mistakenly heard it. It really gave me anxiety because when i am in public places where very crowded, i always heard the word ugly because that is the word which i am afraid of to hear. It can weaken me and make me feel so small.. i am asking for your advice or words of enlightenment regarding my situation because it really turns my self esteem into negative one… Thank u and more power..
Hello, I just read this and it made me feel a lot better about holiday anxiety. My family constantly brings me down and I always feel awful after seeing them. They will pick apart everything about me and find an issue or something to rudely point out and say there is something wrong with it. I think after reading this I’m gonna go to the family party and not sneak out when no one is looking, start a fight or cry(which has happened in the past). Thank you to the amazing women who wrote this. You brought something back to me i haven’t had in a very very long time.
Dear Madi
I’m so pleased to hear that my blog post has helped you! It brings such joy to know that my words and wisdom have helped.
I can feel the strength and resolve that you have going into your family party – amazing!
I also wrote this post, specifically about dealing with body shame over the holiday season which you may also find useful: https://heartyourbody.co.uk/avoid-body-shame-at-christmas/
Wishing you a peaceful and joyful holiday season!
Judi
xoxo
Hi
I was once at a family party when my very over-weight mother said to me “you just need to lose half a stone”. I’d not long had baby number 2 and I still remember it to this day. When we get ourselves ready to go out, we put a lot of effort into making ourselves look our best and to feel good. Her comment was rude and it was intended to put me down which worked and is still in my mind 20 years later! Now I just think Pah! Just do the same x
Good for you Betty! We mustn’t let other people erode our self worth with their comments. Their comments always say more about them than they do us!
Discovered your website, and posted what men have to put up with from women.
I am a male single pensioner of 70,slim build 11 to 11and half stone, 5’10”
Local woman of rather large build last time I saw her before covid lockdown mentions in pub in front of locals, directed at me,
‘your so skinny’
I ignored her derogatory remark.
I am comfortable with how I look, she clearly has issues with her body image, is she jealous? Or using me as a verbal punch bag, instead of her husband,
When lock down lifts, and should I see her, in the pub,
what’s the best reply to embarrass her in front of locals.
Is this classed as hate crime?
Andrew
I’m sorry you’ve been on the receiving end of these kind of comments. If you’re comfortable in your skin, I wouldn’t spend any more time thinking about the remarks. They say more about how this woman feels about herself than they do you. I wouldn’t embarrass her – that brings you down to her level. I’d let the matter lie – when you ignore bullies, they normally go away when they don’t get a reaction. Thank you for sharing your experience as a man. It’s easy to forget that men are not immune to negative comments about their appearance!
Rosie
I used to be very confident in myself and who I was until I started year seven. I had a few comments about my face and that I was ugly. Since then I was so afraid of what people thought of me and started to have a habit of keeping my head down and covering my face with my hair or hand. Every time someone looked at me I always felt like they were thinking or saying how ugly I was. A few years went by and I got more and more insecure and finally I came to accept myself and I was really happy. Then I met this girl – she always just said what she thought. When we met my best friend was joking about how I was round like the monsters on the TV and I honestly didn’t really mind what she said as after she said “Sorry, I was just joking as we were watching a movie” but the girl heard and said that really I’m ugly. This bothered me because I started to think maybe I really am that ugly and it is hard to look at me. I always try to tell myself, “Oh well it’s their problem – they don’t have to look at me” but I can’t help but still feel hurt.
What do you reckon I should do to stop feeling so bad about how I look?
Dear Rosie
I’m sorry that you’ve had to hear these hurtful comments. I can understand that it feels hurtful – I was teased when I was at school for my looks, and it did hurt. However, as I said in the article, these comments are all about the person making them. People who pick on your appearance are usually bullies who feel bad about THEMSELVES. They say horrible things to try to feel better.
If you felt confident about yourself before, you can feel that way again. The only thing that has made you doubt yourself and feel less confident are the words of other people. The best thing you can do is to believe in yourself and know that you are valuable regardless of how you look or what other people say about how you look. Make a list of all the things that you are proud of yourself for.
If other people don’t like what they see, they don’t have to look, as you so rightly say – that’s a great mantra to live by.
Judi
xoxo