How to deal with negative comments about your body
There’s a question I’m consistently asked…
What can I do when my partner or family makes negative comments about my body?
I admit I get angry when I hear the kinds of comments some people are putting up with.
I hate it when a person’s confidence is knocked. Especially by people who believe they can say whatever they want about someone else’s body.
So in this post, I’m sharing TWO things to bear in mind when dealing with negative comments about your body.
Watch or read below:
Recently I’ve received a worrying increase in emails and blog comments from women and men affected by negative comments about their body.
These comments are predominantly from family including partners and spouses. When I read the comments made, I feel a mixture of sadness and anger.
Sadness because I can tell how deeply affected these individuals are by the negative comments about their body.
Anger because bodies aren’t objects up for scrutiny, especially from people that are supposed to love you!
This is a topic that I’ve covered before on my blog, but I think it’s worth revisiting again.
So today I’m sharing what I think are the two most important things to bear in mind when dealing with negative comments about your body:
Negative comments AREN’T acceptable
The first thing to remember is that no matter who is making the negative comments about your body, it isn’t acceptable.
I don’t care if it’s your husband or wife. They have no more right to make unkind or hurtful comments about your appearance than anyone else.
The same goes for other family members. It isn’t your responsibility to meet their ‘standards’ of what a body should look like.
I get especially annoyed about this. I’m staggered by the comments some people put up with.
For example, individuals are criticised by family and partners for having:
Hips that are supposedly ‘too small’ or ‘too big’
A thin face
Too much grey hair
A ‘flat’ bottom
I can’t say this enough – you don’t have to put up with comments that upset you. It’s okay to call a family member out on this kind of behaviour.
Discussing the comments
Start by having an open yet non-confrontational conversation.
Ask why they feel the need to comment on your appearance. You might say something like, “I’m curious as to why you feel the need to comment on my appearance. What’s that about?”
This puts the onus and focus squarely on them (which is where it needs to be) rather than you.
But be sure to tell them how their comments affect you. Request that they stop them if they’re upsetting you. I did a video that that explains step by step how you can have this conversation.
Negative comments AREN’T about your body
The second thing to bear in mind is that negative comments about your body aren’t really about your body!
They’re about the person making those comments – their opinions, views, beliefs and insecurities.
There can be any number of reasons why someone might criticise your body, but here are some of the most common. They might…
- Be jealous of you or your appearance and want to put you down;
- Have their own insecurities about their body and are projecting these onto you;
- Be experiencing low self-esteem and criticism of others makes them feel better about themselves;
- Have very fixed views on what bodies should look like which are highly influenced by popular culture.
But whatever the reason – it’s their problem or issue, not yours.
It’s not your job to change yourself to please them or make them happy – that’s their job.
Dealing with negative comments
The way to deal with negative comments about your body is NOT to change your body.
Instead, focus on what you can control. You can’t control how someone else thinks or behaves, but you can control the way you think and behave.
View negative comments about your body as being about the other person NOT you. Challenge the person making the comments and ask them to stop – the rest is up to them.
Note: if you are on the receiving end of constant criticisms and put downs in a relationship, that’s emotional abuse. Please seek help immediately, particularly if you fear for your safety.
I’d love to hear how negative comments about your body affect you and if this post has been helpful. Please leave a comment below.
Hi Judi, I’ve been following some of your articles and blogs they are quite helpful…. my situation seems to be really difficult as I live in a culture where telling an adult esp mother in law or sister in law that they are being rude will lead you into a very very difficult situation… I have had dark circles since I was 14.. I cover them with makeup on occasions but doing so 24/7 is not possible… and whenever they can my mother in law and sister in law will comment that I look sick or I look tired or even that I should go put on some make up… they do that in front of many people it hurts me I end up crying in my room… even my husband is helpless in this situation… these women are manipulative narcissists and they are good with words…. anyone else listening to there comments might think these women are actually worried about me…. please help!
Dear Sadufa
Thank you for sharing your situation, and let me say how sorry I am that you have been subjected to such hurtful comments. As I say in the post, this is NOT acceptable, even if these women are your family. I appreciate that there might be some sensitivities around your culture. Have you tried in a non accusatory way explaining how their comments affect you? Sometimes people don’t realise how hurtful they are being. If this approach doesn’t reduce or eliminate the comments, you have a few choices. Firstly, where possible, limit the time you spend with these women, or secondly, if you are unable to ‘call them out’ on their behaviour, don’t rise to it. Try just to ignore the comments or even better, change the subject or go off and do something else. Remember, their comments say more about them than you. To build your confidence, try not covering up your dark circles all the time when you go out (I often leave the house with no make-up for this reason). When you can go about your day without covering up what you perceive to be ‘flaws’ you build up your confidence. Know that you are far more than your appearance. I wish you all the best of luck, and remember that you are worthy and more than a body! Judi xoxo
Thankyou judi for your time and concern!!
I’m reading your articles trying to get some insight in to why my daughter keeps insulting me it is usually my eyebrows look fake or those leggings don’t look very good etc. It’s just been happening a lot more and I don’t have very high self esteem anyway. She’s only 10 but she just doesn’t seem to have anything nice to say at the moment. It’s all just put downs. And it’s been really starting to get to me.
Sorry to hear about this Jennifer. As she is young, it’s difficult to know what is going on for her. When adults are behaving in this way, it’s usually about their own insecurities. Have you had a conversation with her about how her comments make you feel and also what’s going on for her to make her say such things? This is unlikely to be about you at its core.
I’ve been bullied for my body all through school and I’ve had eating disorders so this is a very sensitive topic.
That’s why I got so upset when at a party some time ago I got “jokingly” told by a friends friend that I’m a “fatty”. I told her that I do not appreciate her comment and she then proceeded to explain why she said it , which made it worse because she started to compare my body to my friend and her sisters (when they were listening), telling me that it’s not like I’m as thin as they are and that It’s “brave” of me to be able to dance and show my body. I’m not even an overweight person and I have normal clothing sizing so her comment about my body has been messing with my head and making me insecure.
Anil, I’m sorry to hear about these unkind comments! It always amazes me how people are willing to transfer their own insecurities onto other people by making these comments. Please don’t let these comments dent your self worth. If you felt comfortable in your body before these comments, nothing has changed – it’s someone else’s ‘stuff’ being projected onto you. Continue to enjoy dancing and all the other things that your body allows you to do!
Judi, what a fantastic article. And such good advice.
You say it so clearly; it’s not about you but the other person.
Your advice is great too; hands on.
I am very fortunate not to have to deal with these comments.
Many will benefit from your advice.
Thank you Leonie
Thanks, Leonie! I’m so glad that you haven’t ever had to deal with these kinds of comments. I have in the past, and it can be so hurtful and confidence deflating. But with age and wisdom, I’ve learnt that the comments are always about the person making them!
Hi,
I started this year doing water polo with a friend.
Our instructor spend the lessons saying to my friend how beautiful she is and commenting about her physical appearance (he does this also with other girls in the pool). He’s not very friendly with anybody and with my friend seems to be very “kind”… Then there’s me, he doesn’t give me any compliments and he treat me like I’m stupid.
These years I struggled a lot with my body image and food and every time he comments on my friend body I feel miserable and I hate my body even more!!! When I get home I cry and that always ruin my day… He seems to treat people for how they look (like “pretty privilege”).
How can I don’t let my self down every time? How do I not lose my confidence?
I don’t want to stop doing water polo!!!
Thanks
Anna
Hi Anna
No, you mustn’t stop doing water polo if you enjoy it! I think there is such a thing as ‘pretty privilege’ sadly. But just because the instructor shows your friend attention, please don’t take it personally. This is the instructor’s issue. Why would you care about the opinion of someone who is so shallow? Focus on how doing water polo makes you feel – notice how strong your body is and don’t make it about how your body looks while doing it. There will always be people like this instructor, but please don’t let his behaviour ruin your experience of doing something that you love. Sending you hugs, Judi