Should you change your appearance for a partner?
Have you ever thought you needed to change your appearance to satisfy your partner?
I’m often asked, “Should I change my appearance for my partner?“
This is a question that resonates with me personally, because I’ve asked myself this same thing in the past.
So in this post, I’m sharing:
- My own experience of ‘changing’ my appearance for an ex.
- Why working on how I looked didn’t help my relationship.
- Questions to help you decide if its your relationship that needs the work rather than your appearance.
- Why a healthy relationship should never be conditional on your appearance.
Watch or read below:
Should you change your appearance for a partner?
Today is my 10th Wedding Anniversary (yah!). So Happy Anniversary to my wonderful husband, Chris.
In honour of our wedding anniversary, this post has a relationship theme. I specifically want to talk about something that I struggled with a LOT before I met my husband.
Prior to meeting Chris, I was in a relationship where love was conditional on what I looked like. My ex-partner was hyper critical of my appearance, constantly pointing out what he did not like.
Not only did these comments hurt, they left me feeling unattractive and unlovable. And, of course, my body image took a battering.
Sadly, I get many emails and blog post comments from women (and men) telling me that their partner criticises their looks.
Although these comments hurt, part of them also feels it is their duty to be attractive to their partner, and if they’re not, it’s their fault.
The question they ask me is, ‘Should I change my appearance for my partner?’
My experience of changing my appearance for an ex
To be attractive to my ex, I tried everything to be as pleasing to him as possible. I exercised to get a flat tummy, I removed and plucked every stray hair on my body and I dressed in a way that he liked (which was not always my preference).
When I attempted to change my appearance, did this improve our relationship? Did he love me more as a result? Sadly, no!
All this achieved was to move me further away from being my authentic self. As I tried to live up to his ideal, rather than being myself, I did not know who I was anymore.
And of course, the relationship did not last!
In contrast, from the moment I met my husband, he has loved me unconditionally. As I age, he accepts that I look different (as does he). But the important point is that our relationship is not just about looks – it is about a deep connection between us grounded in mutual love, respect, trust and understanding.
I certainly didn’t have the same connection with my ex. It wouldn’t have mattered if I’d looked like his ideal version of me, it would have never worked, because we weren’t a good fit.
How to decide whether to change your appearance
So if you’re wondering if you should change your appearance for your partner, I’ve got four questions for you to consider before deciding:
Firstly, is this change something you’d like for yourself, regardless of what your partner says?
For example, maybe your partner has been asking you to get a new hair style or change your wardrobe and that’s something you’d like to do too.
If the change is as much about what you genuinely want, go for it! On the other hand, if you don’t want to make the change or don’t feel comfortable doing it, stick to your guns.
Secondly, could the request to change your appearance be indicative of another issue in the relationship?
Perhaps the change your partner wants, or their constant criticism is a symptom of a different issue.
Have the lines of communication broken down or is something else amiss? Perhaps it’s time to discuss what’s happening in your relationship.
Thirdly, are you a good fit together?
I know this is a tough call. It was for me too with my ex.
But if someone is asking you to change your appearance dramatically, perhaps they should have picked someone different in the first place!
My ex once told me in a heated argument that he preferred blondes (I’m brunette)! How I wish I’d said, “Well maybe you’d better go find one instead of making my life a misery.”
If being in the relationship doesn’t feel good, it’s time to ask this question. Setting each other free could be the best thing for both of you (it certainly was with my ex and me).
Finally, are you in an emotionally abusive relationship?
This may be a tough one for you to answer, especially if criticism of, and attempts to control your appearance have been pervasive throughout your relationship. You may have become so used to it that it seems normal.
If you feel that the criticism is abusive or that your partner is using coercive control, please seek the appropriate help.
It’s my belief that being in a healthy relationship shouldn’t require you to change your appearance for your partner.
While they might have preferences for how you look – my husband certainly prefers my hair done a certain way, for example, the decision about if and how to change your appearance always lies with you.
A healthy relationship does not make love conditional on your appearance, and if it does, it’s not healthy.
Have you ever wondered whether you should change your appearance for your partner? I’d love to hear about your experience, so please leave me a comment below.
I feel like this I’m in a bit of a complicated relationship but I’ve changed my hair completely from curly to straight got a side fridge because they would constantly criticis my forehead and I already suffer with low self esteem as it is. The only thing is I’m absolutely besotted and I just can’t stop the relationship I know they find others more attractive I just want someone to love me for me
Thank you for sharing here. I really do know how this feels. I used to change my appearance all the time to please a partner. The thing is, it was never enough. The longer I staid and the more he criticised me, the worse I felt about myself. I’m now with a man who loves me for who I am. Please believe me when I say it is possible to be in a relationship where you don’t constantly receive criticism. You deserved to be loved for who you are right now, without having to constantly strive to look different.
As a man, I can also relate to what you are saying. On the surface, I am rather short, balding, and merely average in the appearance department. However, if I shave my head completely bald and grow a goatee, I apparently go from not to hot, based on the sudden comments and surges of interest in my dating profile. I have been told that I have the right head shape and face to pull off this look, whatever that means.
The issue for me personally is, that I absolutely detest this look, and the time and effort in maintaining it irritates me as well. Not to mention how heavy and ‘dirty’ the goatee feels on my sensitive skin. Yet, despite my disdain for maintaining this particular look, it does help me attract more potential women to date. That said, I really feel like I am wearing a mask with this look, and I definitely do not feel like myself. I suppose I am somewhat old-school, but I have always preferred the clean-shaven face for myself. Yet I feel so hypocritical because I use the shaved head and goatee look to attract potential partners who desire me only because of my appearance. I know that these very same women would not give my dating profile a second look with my clean-cut look. My dilemma is disheartening, as I often wonder what would happen if I did fall in love with a woman who chose me based on my shaved head and goatee look. I would always wonder if she might run for the hills should I ever revert to my old look, which I long to do every single day! So should I continue to wear this mask for appearance’s sake, or just remain true to myself and stop worrying about finding a potential mate based on someone I am not?
Jody
Thank you so much for coming here and sharing your experience as a man – I appreciate that. It’s easy to think that only women experience these feelings, but that isn’t the case!
My short answer is that you always have to be YOU. As a friend said to me recently, “You do YOU.” Living inauthentically will cause you so much more pain. You want someone who will love you for WHO you are. The way you look is an expression of you, so you have to go with what feels good for you. Someone who really ‘sees’ you (who sees all of who you are, not just how you look) will love you the way that you are.
I relate to this dilemma as I felt I had to look a certain way to please men, but ultimately, I met my husband just by being me unapologetically.
I wish you all the best for the future, and thanks again for coming here to share.
Judi
xoxo
Hello Judi,
Over a year later and I just rediscovered your lovely and insightful message. I did not realize that I did not respond to you, I am so sorry. Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience and insight with me. It means even more as you literally dealt with the same situation, so are able to share your wisdom directly from your heart. Since taking your advice I have been doing my best to just be my authentic self and let the chips fall where they may. At least now if I find love, I will know it is because they value me for who I am rather than what I look like. Meanwhile, I am going to live as happy a life as possible, partner or not. I am discovering that enjoying my own company is not so bad after all! Thank you again, Judi, you really changed my perspective, and ultimately, my life. Hugs.
Hello Jody!
Thank you for coming back to share how you have been over the last year. Your message brought a tear to my eye… to hear that you are wholeheartedly embracing yourself and enjoying your own company is wonderful to hear.
I did much the same myself before I met my husband. I spent a lot of time getting to know myself and what I most wanted. I loved (and still do) the time I have to myself. When I got used to enjoying my own company, ironically, I met my husband!
I’m so glad that a few words helped you to change your perspective on things. I wish you everything that is good in life. Big hugs back!! Judi
HHhhooo boy.. I have a lot to unpack here, but I’ll try to condense it! I’m 63, my husband is 70. When he met me, I had short hair with sides even being shaved! Once we started our relationship, I conformed to what he liked… long hair, sexy tight jeans with heals, yada yada.. over the years I gained a little weight, which he LOVES, but I wasn’t happy ( I’ve had eating disorders since a teenager)… I grew out my hair and had dreadlocks which I loved bc I had fun with them( wouldn’t do this again bc it’s not my culture).. but he HATED them. I literally PICKED them out after 4 years so I had long hair again. He said “you’re the woman I’ve always wanted”, and this is bc I had long hair, and was 15-20lb heavier than I wanted to be. Wasnt happy with myself at ALL! I’m a tattoo artist, we had our own shop, and now I have tattoos that after SO long he still belittles me over them. Even resorts to name calling… “circus freak”, has said I look “disgusting”.. Fast forward to now(Fewf)… I’m a bodybuilder and I love my muscles! He is too, but he wants me to be round and pudgy with longer hair… STILL… I love my body at a healthy weight, and I love my short hair… Im a openly pan-sexual woman and he’s known this about me too, yet there’s judgement about this as well( and name calling) He won’t attend counseling with me and I’ve seen MANY therapists over the years to see what my role is in our failing marriage. His love is CONDITIONAL, am I seeing this right? I want to be my authentic self, but this makes HIM unhappy, resentful and emotionally unavailable. I’m seeking a separation, so now, he says he will go to “a couple” of sessions… I think we need a break
Hi Jackie
Thanks for sharing so openly your story. It’s not nice when your partner picks on you for being yourself, and I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. Only you can know the true state of your relationship and whether being in it will make you happy. Good for you that you have been to therapy. It does sound as though your husband puts a lot of conditions on what makes you ‘acceptable’ to him. I wish you all the best for the future, and I hope you can come to a decision about your relationship. Judi xx